Ex Hex released their debut album, Rips, last October to much critical acclaim. With their Madison show at High Noon Saloon right around the corner (July 21), we have taken the time to compile the list that everyone has been waiting for: Which comic strip character is each Ex Hex song?
“Don’t Wanna Lose”
In their first song, Ex Hex repeats in their chorus, “I don’t want to lose your love / It’s in my hand, it’s just a question of if you’re gonna stop messing around / You better hurry up / Don’t let me down.”
We need a character that’s indecisive but also slowly growing impatient with their love interest dragging their feet. We need someone in an on-again-off-again relationship. We need one of my favorite “Weekend Update” guests. We need sweat drops. We need embarrassment splotches. We need… Cathy. Aack!!!
Apart from being Andy Samberg’s only good non-Nicholas Cage impression, Cathy is known for having an unstable relationship with her love interest Irving. But by the end of the strip, they stop messing around and get married.
You’re sure to work up a couple sweat drops (and possibly tiny hearts) of your own if you attend the Ex Hex show at High Noon.
“Don’t Wanna Lose” is Cathy.
“Beast”
As Mary Timony screams, “You’re so independent / You never needed nothing / Never needed no one / Never wanted to have fun,” it brings to mind a certain feline. And no, I’m not talking about the cat from Get Fuzzy. I’m talking about the cat that, despite his complete dependency on others, believes he is totally self-reliant and never wants to have fun. The “Beast” is Garfield.
Garfield is known to move at his own speed, which is slow, so he doesn’t seem like the ideal candidate to listen to this album, which rocks at a furious pace. Odie on the other hand…
“Waste Your Time”
When brainstorming “wastes of your time,” you immediately think of comic strips like Marmaduke or Prince Valiant, but there’s something deeper here. Take a look at the lyrics: “If you’re really mother nature’s son, shining perpetual sound on everyone.” I take that to mean somebody who grew up without much assistance from parents. In the bitter cold of the outdoors. This character also obviously needs to play some type of instrument. No need to look any further than Opus the penguin. He was raised without a mother (or father) and also plays tuba in the heavy metal group Deathtöngue. If only Ex Hex would consider adding a tuba to one of their songs. Hey, Haim did it.
“Waste Your Time” is Opus.
“You Fell Apart”
The lyrics for this song call for a character who loves to party but is frequently shown regretting their decisions: “You’re at the after-party every night. Wasted in the fog trying to see the light.” Hägar the Horrible made the final cut for this song, but there’s more to his personality than just drinking. I needed someone whose sole existence is to party. And I found him in Bung from Wizard of Id. No, that’s the character’s name.
Bung isn’t quite a main character, but Wizard of Id fans will know him as the court jester who is almost always shown drunk or hungover. Complete with a red nose and little squiggles around his head, this guy’s life is a party, and he has no regrets. He’s probably also the kind of guy who would yell at you to turn the volume down because he has a splitting headache from last night.
“You Fell Apart” is Bung.
“How You Got That Girl”
We don’t even need to go past the title of this song in order to place it, as it brings up one of the biggest mysteries in comic strip history: HOW DID DAGWOOD EVER LAND A GIRL LIKE BLONDIE?!?!
Let’s get right to it, Blondie is a hands-down “10.” I mean, think about her competition: She’s going up against Helga the Horrible, Cathy, and the grandma from Pickle. Her biggest competition might be Tootsie Woodley from her own comic strip, which, by the way, is named after her!
On the other hand, we have Dagwood. Yeah, he has a sandwich named after him, but he looks like a cross between Popeye the Sailor Man and the Ask Jeeves guy. He’s a “4” on his best day. How did he ever convince Blondie to talk to him, let alone marry him for the last 82 years?
Dagwood comes from a wealthy family, but the money didn’t come into play because his family disinherited him when he decided to marry Blondie. What is it about Dagwood that makes him so appealing? It’s certainly not his monstrous appetite or utter laziness. Maybe it’s his taste in music.
We may never know how Dagwood got that girl, but we do know that “How You Got That Girl” is Dagwood.
“Waterfall”
Okay, follow my logic: In this song, we hear “I want to watch you roll and roll, whoa oh” and “I want to show you my affection, but you’re on the floor.” Which characters like to roll the most? Easy, dogs. The problem here is that in the song, the singer is being brought to a party. So which comic strip dog would be most likely to attend a party? Not Marmaduke; he’s too dumb and he’d just end up knocking over the punch bowl. Odie from Garfield has a huge tongue and people would get tired of him licking them all the time. We need a smart dog that can follow instructions, not annoy people, and possibly strike up a conversation or two.
“Waterfall” is Dogbert.
“Hot and Cold”
Although I wasn’t chasing around girls at the age of 8, Charlie Brown certainly does. And his biggest, if not only, target is the little red-haired girl whom he could easily describe as both hot and cold. Despite becoming mildly obsessed with her, Charlie Brown believes the little red-haired girl doesn’t even know he exists! That’s cold.
“You’re acting like the foolish kind. Keep trying to talk to me through your mind.” Stop playing coy and just talk to him already! I hear he needs a new place holder.
“Hot and Cold” is the Little Red-Haired Girl from Peanuts.
“Radio On”
This song begins: “Just about the time, time I get off, you’re gonna roll right past with the radio on / I don’t mind.” We’re going to take “time I get off” to mean off from work. And “I don’t mind” is repeated throughout, so this is obviously a character who is able to tolerate a lot of other people’s shit. As we discovered in a previous song, Blondie has to tolerate being married to Dagwood, but there may be a better fit. A character who puts up with somebody who causes problems, not only for the people in his own home but for his neighbors as well. Somebody more menacing.
“Radio On” is Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace.
“New Kid”
If there were two characters who best personify the Rips album as a whole, they’d be Peter Fox, the older brother from FoxTrot, and Jeremy Duncan, the main character from Zits. They’re both hard-rocking 16-year-olds with short attention spans who just want to have fun.
They’re also both great fits for this song in particular, as the lyrics shriek: “Saw him in the woods skipping school / Talking trash and being rude / Smoking up, getting bent/ Watch out, here he comes again.” This one is really close, you guys. We’re going to have to take it line-by-line.
Although I think Peter’s propensity for procrastination gives him the edge in the skipping school line, and his reckless driving is something to watch out for, Jeremy is more rude to his parents and is slightly more likely to smoke up. I think the tie-breaker here is going to be which comic I like the most.
This one goes to Peter from FoxTrot, by a nose.
“War Paint”
Just by the title, I know this is going to come down to Beetle Bailey or Doonesbury. But taking a closer look at the lyrics, Mary repeats “You think you’re too cool” and ends the song with “Too too too too too cool,” right before a ripping (no pun intended) guitar solo. That points to a clear winner in the eponymous Beetle Bailey.
Beetle spends more time napping under trees than he does fighting in any wars. That, plus he always has his hat pulled down over his eyes. His character is obviously too cool for school, and that’s why “War Paint” is Beetle Bailey.
“Everywhere”
As we get toward the end of the album, there are probably a few worried souls wondering how I could go almost the entire article without mentioning possibly the most popular comic strip of all time. Well…
“If you don’t exist, I don’t care / I’ll find you everywhere” are the opening words to this song, and you couldn’t ask for a better way to describe Calvin’s relationship with Hobbes.
To most, the stuffed tiger that Calvin carries around at all times is just fleece and some cotton. But tell that to Calvin, and he’ll probably reply with, “I don’t care.” Calvin sees his stuffed animal as a towering anthropomorphic tiger that follows him everywhere. Just so everyone’s aware, there’s no extra charge if you bring your imaginary tiger to High Noon with you.
“Everywhere” is Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.
“Outro”
Although there are plenty of comic strip characters out there waiting to be picked, this album only has room for one more. And with the lyrics, “I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been around / I follow the silver stream of what I can’t forget,” I regrettably designate this song to a recurring bit from one of my least favorite comics: The little kids from The Family Circus running around the yard with dotted lines following them.
Despite these kids being neither funny nor clever, Family Circus comic strips find their way onto every grandma’s refrigerator across the country — and now they find themselves anchoring this listicle.
“Outro” is the kids from The Family Circus.
If you’re in Madison, hopefully you’ll do your best Family Circus impression and follow the dotted lines all the way to High Noon Saloon on July 21 for what should be an exhilarating concert that even Garfield wouldn’t want to miss.